Short and Sweet

I'm sitting in front of my computer not really sure where to start tonight.  I'm still shaken and raw from today's events.  We are active again in foster care.  And we just launched a kiddo into the world today.  Launch doesn't seem like the right word for an 11 week old.  It's strange to think that we've been in the "foster care game" for two and a half years and today was the first time we've said goodbye to a little one.

Nothing about this placement was normal.  (This is apparently how we roll- not normal.)  We first met our little guy on December 29th.  He was still in the Special Care Nursery with a group of nurses who were sure he had hung the moon.  I learned very quickly why.  After my second night with him, I told The Hubs, "I'm smitten."  We stayed every other night in the hospital with him for three weeks before he was able to come home.  The big boys weren't allowed at the hospital, so they made due with pictures until he made it to the house.  He arrived last Monday and left today to go live with family.

I wasn't sure how I would react when a child left our home.  People say all the time, "I could never do foster care because I would get too attached and then wouldn't be able to let them go."  The snarky part of me always answers back (in my head, of course), "Oh no!  That's the easy part!  You know, just love them and make them part of your family and then let someone else decide when it's time for them to leave and they're gone.  No big deal!"  But I don't say that.  How could I?  I had never had one leave before.  But now I have, and I know firsthand that the above snarky statement is accurate.  Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's not right.

But I can also say I've never been more certain that this path leads us to a gospel centered life.  To love and be uncomfortable and then do it again.  To turn our day-to-day upside down and live in the tension of not knowing.  To teach our kids that we can help so we will.  To watch them embrace and be so tender with a new brother.  To hear them say, "Let's help another baby!"  To have the chance to speak the name of Jesus to several people we didn't know before.  We've been talking about Gospel risk at our church, and this month has felt risky.  In so many ways.

So while I'm sad he left so soon, thankful for family who wants him, frustrated with the system, and tired from figuring out three-on-one parenting, I'm glad that we are on this journey.

Changing Seasons

Well, hello!  So blogging has been #offthebeam for a while, but as we begin to enter a new season, I find my brain including thoughts I would like to write down.

What is this new season?  Well, let me start with our latest, and now permanent, season.  We ended our first foster to adopt placement on April 7th by finalizing the adoption of our two sons!  They had lived with us for about a year and a half before we adopted, so our day to day didn't change much, but the finality of things has been glorious.  I have never included pictures of the boys faces or names on this blog.  And even if it's late in coming, I would like to introduce our boys.

We had a great big celebration party after the adoption, which was such a sweet time of celebration.  Since we had a captive audience, we made speeches.  Here's what I said:

"I get to talk about our sons! After we adopted the boys, I realized that unintentionally I had not used the word “son” very often, but now is it such a special name to use. I'll start with Moses. Moses is a loving, funny, and smart boy. He gives lots of affection, likes to quote movies, is a great singer, loves school, will do just about anything to get a laugh and shows concern for others. He loves to read, play outside, and eat at restaurants. Moses is eager to be a helper at all times and is proud of himself when he accomplishes something new. He also loves his brother well.

One of the neat things about this process was the ability to know our kids before we chose names for them. We were able to choose names that speak to some of the things that we pray for them and hope they will grow into. We chose the middle name Cohen for Moses because it means brave. Joshua 1:7-9 says “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this book of instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Moses the brave. Moses Cohen Cave

And now for Aaron. Aaron is an independent, energetic, and sweet boy. He is a fast learner, loves music, always wants to be outside, can't play with enough cars, and enjoys swimming. If you are sad, he wants to make you happy. He loves books, anything with wheels, and is happiest with a stick or rock in his hand. Aaron wants to do everything big brother does and has one particular laugh that only Moses can get out of him.

We chose the middle name Callum for Aaron because it means gentle. James 3:17-18 says “But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.” Aaron the gentle. Aaron Callum Cave"

The following photos were taken on adoption day by my very talented sister-in-law,  Check her stuff out here.

Moses Cohen

Aaron Callum

And now for the new.  At the six month post-adoption mark, we had to decide if we would continue to foster or not.  We prayed and sought the Lord, and the answer is yes!  So, I'm in nesting mode again, and we believe we will be available to accept a new placement by the end of this year.  Maybe a little sooner.  

Glad you were curious enough to read.  (Especially after such a long time!)

Sweet Pepa

My grandpa passed away a couple of weeks ago, and although it's a little late in coming, I don't want to miss the opportunity to remember him in my writing.  He had been battling Alzheimer's for several years and we knew he was nearing the end, so it didn't come as a total shock to our family, but we still grieved the loss of such a wonderful man.  He loved Jesus with all he had and I'm so thankful for the hope that gives us in facing death.  The hope- the certain expectancy, not just a fervent wish- that we will see him again.

It was quite an ordeal to get our little family to the funeral what with travel requests, a broken down car, and hotel shenanigans.  (I mean, the hotel story really is worthy of it's own blog, but we'll see.)  Once we made it, though, we were so glad to be there.  I could only imagine if Pepa were there to greet us and hear all we went through on the trip, he would have said, "Oh, golly!" and hugged us even tighter.

Pepa loved telling stories, and that is just about all we did once we were with the rest of our family.  Stories of the turtles in his backyard.  They would come to Pepa every morning for food, and even chomp on his toe.  He and the turtle both went flying that time.  Stories of how much he loved his wife.  Everyone knew it.  There was no question that Mema had captured his heart right from the beginning.  Stories of his faith.  He loved to sing hymns, teach Sunday School, and spoke about the Lord to everyone.  Just ask the repairman who came to Pepa's house for a job and left as a follower of Jesus.

Generally speaking, I don't have the best memory in the world.  My memories tend to be connected to a picture or sound or smell.  This has held true as I have remembered my Pepa.  I picture him in his tan coveralls that he wore all the time.  I picture him outside under his covered patio, sitting at his wrought iron table with a coffee mug.  I hear his deep voice.  It was the best true bass voice I have ever heard out of someone I knew personally.  I hear him telling the story of how he met Millie, the pretty girl his preacher encouraged him to pursue.  I smell mouthwash.  I'm sure it was only Listerine, but it was a powerful smell when he came close to kiss your cheek.  The thing I will miss the most, the thing I coveted for so many years, is hearing him in his room just before bed praying for me by name.  His deep and steady voice, speaking out loud prayers for his loved ones.  I know that sweet man with his kind and gentle heart prayed for me every day of my life until his brain would no longer allow him to do so.  And I believe with my whole heart that the Lord listened to every prayer and that my life has been blessed beyond measure, in part, because of those prayers.

Holiday Happenings

Happy MLK Day!  And Happy New Year!  And Merry Christmas!  And Happy Thanksgiving!  Oh, and Happy Halloween, too!  Somewhere along the way in the last year and a half blogging has moved progressively lower down my list of priorities.  But every now and then I get a hankering to write a bit.  Today is one of those days.

For those wondering about our pending adoption (which was scheduled for November), it's still pending.  We were all set to adopt our sweet boys on November 22nd in celebration of National Adoption Day, but some more legal stuff came up and put a stop to that.  We currently have no idea when we might be able to finalize the adoption, but we are hopeful that with the beginning of the new year, the folks working on the case will find a renewed sense of devotion to closing out this case.  At least, that's what we are praying for.  We would love you to join us in these prayers!

The weekend of MLK Day was perfect weather!  We did a little painting, tore out our old sink and put in a new vanity, and had a lovely day at the zoo.  If the boys were telling you about the zoo, they would say, "With Matt! With Matt!  We took Matt to the zoo!"  I also enjoyed teaching the boys about Dr. King.  (Martin Luther King, Junior is quite a mouthful when you are little.)  We talked about how he used his words with respect and people listened to him.  We talk a lot about using our words instead of using our hits these days, so I was thrilled to tell the boys Dr. King's story.

For the new year holiday, Lolli and Pop (my parents) came to stay with us for a few days.  We got to go to the museum with them, exchange Christmas gifts, and even tried to hold them hostage here with the help of some icy roads.  

On Christmas Day we ran away for family vacation!  This has been our tradition since The Hubs and I got married.  We stayed in a cabin, went hiking, cooked hot dogs over the campfire, and all sorts of fun things.  I wasn't even mad when it rained 75% of the time we were there, because friends, by the end of December I was all for sitting around and not doing anything.

Christmas Eve was spent with Tim's family.  The day consisted of Oma and Opa playing at our house (you don't get a break when you're a grandparent in this casa), a Christmas Eve service at church, a delicious dinner from Josh and Janet, and lots of presents.  We might have gotten The Best Christmas Present Ever- a year long pass to the zoo!  Oh, and we sent out our annual digital Christmas card. (Included here, in case you missed it.)

Thanksgiving was pretty low key.  My parents came here because Tim's new job bases their schedule off the stock market.  And did you know, it doesn't close much?  Another low key factor was me choosing to buy dinner instead of cook it all myself.  Some might call me a cheat, but I'm ok with that.

For Halloween, the boys were ninjas.  I'm talking the cutest ninjas ever.  They ran around yelling, "HI-YA!" for several days.  And The Hubs collected his Daddy Tax from their candy baskets so he enjoyed himself, too.

Does that catch us up?  Probably not, but at least it's a start.  We hope you had a great Fall and holiday season and would love to spend some time with you this year.  Blogs are nice, but time spent together is better.  :)

Glad you were curious enough to read.  

Just Plain Cute

As I write this, I am just stepping away from a 30 minute bedtime tantrum.  Being three years old at bedtime apparently means you need to have a tantrum.  Being three years old and two years old also apparently means that you have reached the conclusion that you are all that and a bag of chips.  (Did I just date myself?)  It's like a full assault on my parental authority every day.  It's not for the faint of heart.

With that being said, sometimes I just need to remember the preciousness these sweet boys let me see between the episodes of sin taking over.  Behold, the cuteness of my kids:

~One of the boys' favorite shows is PBS's Dinosaur Train.  The conductor dinosaur has a line that he says every episode when the time tunnel is approaching.  They haven't quite figured out the word "approaching," but can be heard multiple times a day yelling, "Time tunnel!  Time tunnel carunchering!"

~When The Hubs comes home from work and opens the garage door to park the car, the boys always get really excited.  One day I said, "Daddy's here, let's go give him hugs."  Little Brother marched in to where Tim was and announced, "Hi Dad.  It time to hug."

~On another day after Tim returned from work, Little Brother kept trying to get his attention.  When Tim finally answered, LB pointed at me and said with attitude, "There's your bebe."  I guess Tim hadn't kissed me hello quick enough!

~The other day some rain clouds were headed our way so we prompted the boys to pray with us, asking God for some rain.  Immediately after, Big Brother kept saying, "There's no rain.  God said no."  But about 10 minutes later when it started raining he exclaimed, "God said yes!!"

~One morning I heard a little more rustling in the boys' bedroom than normal before I went in to get them for breakfast.  What would I find upon entering?  A naked Little Brother (who still wears diapers, mind you) with the bathroom door open and sopping wet jammer bottoms in his hand.  Apparently, the water in the toilet no longer needed to be in the toilet, but rather on the bathroom floor.  And what else would one use to do that other than the pants they had been wearing to sleep in, I ask?  When Big Brother (who is normally rather bossy and likes to have a say in everything Little Brother does) was questioned he said, "I just watched."

~ Conversation at Hobby Lobby:
BB: Is there a potty here?
Me: Yes, there is.
BB: Ok, I'm about to pee myself.
Me: Well, that sounds like a problem.
If you could only have seen the look on the face of the woman perusing the aisle as her eyes locked with mine briefly before she quickly skittered away.  (We made it, by the way.  Bravo, Big Brother!)

~Little Brother loves drinking from a "big boy cup."  So much so that he usually gets overly excited and spills it on himself at the very least.  He really has been doing pretty well, but the other day I found him giving his teddy bear a drink... all over the kitchen floor.

~During a recent snack, Big Brother began pensively stroking his chin and cheek.  He then stated, "I have a beard like Daddy.  Mama, you don't have a beard.  You have a mouth."  Obviously, the opposite of a beard is a mouth.

~Our boys usually share a bedroom, but unfortunately, because of aforementioned shenanigans, they don't usually get to fall asleep in the same room.  The other night when The Hubs went to move Little Brother back to his bed, he walked into our spare room and walked right back out, not with our child, but with his diaper that was found just inside the door.

~As we move closer to adoption, we have begun to talk more long-term with our boys.  We had not done so before, because we didn't want to tell them things that might not be true.  One of the phrases we've introduced is, "I'm going to be your Mama (or Daddy) forever!"  This has been met with some resistance from Big Brother.  Quite understandably.  How is a three year old supposed to process having one family and then without warning being transplanted to a new family?  But a few days ago, I could tell he was thinking.  He asked, "Mama?  You're gonna be my Mama forever?"  I said, "Yes!  I am!" His reply was the sweetest, most heart melting, precious thing he's ever said to me.  "And I'm gonna be your Big Brother forever!"

Do we have hard days?  Yes.  Find me a parent that says otherwise and I'll call them a liar.  But, are these boys precious?  Absolutely!

In other news...
here are some before and afters of our bathroom remodel that took place a year ago.  I thought I would share them in honor of us hanging the mirror today.  It's only slightly embarrassing that it took us that long.

This was the best this bathroom could look without
starting over.

Note the toilet paper dispenser on the wall across the
room from the toilet.  That's normal.

Only picture I got of the process.  Give me a break-
we were on day one of being parents.

Slight improvement.  Ha!

The mirror that took a year to hang.
And toilet paper in an appropriate place!

If you look close, you can see two dimpled chins.  :)
The training potty is also new in the last year.

We love the bathroom now!  So thankful for our contractor who made lots of decisions for us because I could literally not think about one more thing in the first few days of welcoming our guys.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

Summertime

I realized the other day that if I didn't blog soon, our boys would be adopted before I got around to it. That's right... ADOPTED!!  I'll fill in a few details about that later, but mostly wanted to give a few glimpses into our days now.

Overall, things have been good for us.  They boys are growing and learning and just generally being cute.  Until the times they're not.  But that's not news to anyone who's ever parented (heck, just been around) two and three year olds.  They have finished school and now we're in full summer mode.  I'm not going to lie, I was scared.  So I made a crazy weekly schedule for us to follow... for my sanity more than anyone else's.  I've got to have some structure.  A plan.  My children added the word "syllable" to their vocabulary, and I did a happy dance around the kitchen.  And then summer really got busy and all my well laid plans flew out the window.  I haven't given up, I've just backed off a bit... for my sanity.

The boys are doing gymnastics once a week, which is hilarious.  Big Brother's entire take away from each class is dependent on the trampoline:  "You did such a good job!  Was that fun?"  "I did NOT jump on the trampoline."  Little Brother's class is a mommy and me style class that I love.  It's fun to watch them learn and grow and develop skills.  But I repeat, it's hilarious.

I know if we could show you pictures, our boys would just make you melt.  Since we're not quite there yet, I'll just have to talk about them a little more so you can paint your own pictures.  We borrowed a book from the library called Ninja! a couple of weeks ago.  One of the boys' favorite lines from the book is, "I am a ninja!"  I had put the book on the dining table thinking that little hands would not get into them unless I was supervising (you know, these being borrowed books and all), until Little Brother wandered into the living room with the Ninja! book.  I said, "Oh, no.  Did you climb on the table and get the book?"  His response?  "I am ninja!!"

During the World Cup I was cheering for Germany, and while we watched the final the boys were cheering with me.  Still to this day, Big Brother will say, "I'm Germany!" when playing any type of sport.  He also will randomly yell at the top of his lungs, "GO GERMANY!"  Usually in a public place like the grocery store.  In other sports news, we took the boys to their first baseball game.  I cannot express how much it thrills me that my boys are into this.

We got a package in the mail the other day so I asked the boys what they thought might be inside.  Big Brother thought it was a "new teethbrushing," and Little Brother thought it was a "motorcycle."  I don't know what goes on in their heads, but it is a normal thing for me to be surprised by what they say.

And in other news, not related to the kids, my garden is growing.  This is a miracle.  I have never grown anything in my life.  And I busted the window out of our car.  Apparently I got a little too rambunctious with the weed eater.  Mercedes was singing in my head for at least 24 hours.  The Hubs and I also celebrated our third anniversary.  We went to this place that had several high ropes courses up in the trees.  Probably not your typical anniversary celebration, but perfect for us Curious Caves.  Oh, and I donated my pony tail and now have awesome hair.

My bad.

Love birds

And finally, our adoption update.  The last time I wrote about our case, we were waiting for May 12th.  It came and went uneventfully, thanks to the lack of urgency in our particular court.  We had to wait for paperwork that should have come in February but actually got to us in July.  Once those papers came through, we were able to start the process for adopting the boys.  It's more paperwork and more waiting, but it looks like we might actually be finished and finalized in a month or two.  I'm a little hesitant to put that timeline in writing, though, because we have learned not to expect a quick turn around on anything.  We are so excited to adopt for so many reasons!  We will have more freedom in decisions we make for our boys, we will get to give them our name, AND we can have a regular ol' babysitter stay with them while we go on a date like normal people.  ;)

This is what happens when your three year old takes your picture on date night.

He got a decent one, too, though.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

On Birthdays, Attachment, and Poop

On Birthdays

Our boys both had birthdays in March!  Big Brother was first and turned three years old.  He can dress and undress himself, and he washes himself and his hair in the bathtub now.  He loves to eat.  We're talking if you have food and he doesn't, he goes into full baby bird mode- head up, mouth open, big brown eyes batting long eyelashes worthy of envy.  He loves to play with cars and trucks, ride his bike, and read books.  Go, Diego, Go is his favorite show to watch and he loves music.  I'm pretty sure he is destined for the percussion section with the way he is constantly drumming on anything that stays still long enough.

Little Brother came next and turned two years old.  He is gaining independence and has the attitude to prove it.  He wants to climb on his own, eat on his own, and bike on his own, even if the results are not pretty.  (Let's be honest, he walks his tricycle instead of riding it.)  If we're not quick enough getting the food in front of him once he's at the table, he lets us know all about it.  He has two great joys- cars and outside.  When you combine the two, he is happy as a lark.  He's not super interested in TV, but would rather look at a book.  I'm not offended.  He's got the best dance moves I've ever seen and loves to use them often.

We got to have a joint party with all of our my friends and their kids.  It. was. the. best.

Lined up by age.  Missing the baby who was napping, and one other
still in a tummy.  How do we have so many kids?!

The Brothers checking out their new train set along with their twin friends.
And their other twin friends in the background.  Oh yeah.  That's why there's
so many... they all came two by two!

On Attachment

People generally say that they would not be able to foster because they could never let a child leave their home once they had arrived.  This is definitely a risky business which could certainly end in heartbreak.  But, let me say this with all the grace I can muster: attachment is not an immediate reaction for child or parent.  Notice I did not specify foster or biological families.  With that being said, there have been some sweet moments of attachment lately!

Big Brother had his very first school performance.  His class got one song, and essentially they were just turned loose up on the stage with some ribbons while some music played.  Before it began, Big Brother was sitting on the steps of the stage with his class waiting for everyone to arrive.  He kept looking to make sure we were still there and waving at us.  When he moved up on the stage, he got a little disoriented and couldn't find us.  The music was playing, his friends were dancing, but all he was doing was saying, "Mama!" as he searched the room for us.  When he finally spotted us, I cannot even explain the eruption of joyful dancing that burst out of that child.  And I cried.  And laughed.  Tears of joy for this precious boy who is capturing more and more of my heart.

Later that same night we were out past our usual 7pm and Little Brother let me hold and snuggle him for about half an hour.  Trust me, this is a rare thing for one as independent as he.  My Mama heart was so full!

On Poop

We have officially potty trained, people!  Well, one child at least.  The decreased amount of diapers in this house is glorious.  Remember that time Big Brother had a third birthday?  Yeah.  That's when he got his very own big boy potty and big boy underwear, because using the potty was going to be the most exciting thing he had ever done in his tiny little life.  {Pause: I think I hear The Hubs cleaning up a nap time accident as I type.  Oops.}  Potty at home came easier than potty away from home, so when he had an accident free day, he got to call Lolli and tell her he went poop at school.

Naturally, the next time he pooped at school, he felt like he needed to call Lolli and tell her.  And also Pop and Uncle Goober.  Lolli and Pop both answered their phones.  Uncle Goober did not.  Here's the message that was left right after Big Brother's aforementioned success on the stage at school: "Uncle Boober, I poop on the steps!"

For Free

In February, we were in court to learn how the boys' case was going to end.  Their parents' rights were terminated and the case is now in a 90 day waiting period.  It was heart-wrenching to witness the breaking of a family.  I cried all the way home from court, knowing that I should be happy we were one step closer to adoption, but needing to grieve this great loss that had just occurred.  I know it will be a long time before our boys will be able to understand what happened that day, but when they do we will grieve again.  And again.  And probably some more.  May 12th is the end of our 90 days, after which we should officially become an adoptive placement!  Don't know much on a timeline from there, but we should be a forever family sooner than we ever could have imagined.

Glad you were curious enough to read.