Short and Sweet

I'm sitting in front of my computer not really sure where to start tonight.  I'm still shaken and raw from today's events.  We are active again in foster care.  And we just launched a kiddo into the world today.  Launch doesn't seem like the right word for an 11 week old.  It's strange to think that we've been in the "foster care game" for two and a half years and today was the first time we've said goodbye to a little one.

Nothing about this placement was normal.  (This is apparently how we roll- not normal.)  We first met our little guy on December 29th.  He was still in the Special Care Nursery with a group of nurses who were sure he had hung the moon.  I learned very quickly why.  After my second night with him, I told The Hubs, "I'm smitten."  We stayed every other night in the hospital with him for three weeks before he was able to come home.  The big boys weren't allowed at the hospital, so they made due with pictures until he made it to the house.  He arrived last Monday and left today to go live with family.

I wasn't sure how I would react when a child left our home.  People say all the time, "I could never do foster care because I would get too attached and then wouldn't be able to let them go."  The snarky part of me always answers back (in my head, of course), "Oh no!  That's the easy part!  You know, just love them and make them part of your family and then let someone else decide when it's time for them to leave and they're gone.  No big deal!"  But I don't say that.  How could I?  I had never had one leave before.  But now I have, and I know firsthand that the above snarky statement is accurate.  Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's not right.

But I can also say I've never been more certain that this path leads us to a gospel centered life.  To love and be uncomfortable and then do it again.  To turn our day-to-day upside down and live in the tension of not knowing.  To teach our kids that we can help so we will.  To watch them embrace and be so tender with a new brother.  To hear them say, "Let's help another baby!"  To have the chance to speak the name of Jesus to several people we didn't know before.  We've been talking about Gospel risk at our church, and this month has felt risky.  In so many ways.

So while I'm sad he left so soon, thankful for family who wants him, frustrated with the system, and tired from figuring out three-on-one parenting, I'm glad that we are on this journey.

Changing Seasons

Well, hello!  So blogging has been #offthebeam for a while, but as we begin to enter a new season, I find my brain including thoughts I would like to write down.

What is this new season?  Well, let me start with our latest, and now permanent, season.  We ended our first foster to adopt placement on April 7th by finalizing the adoption of our two sons!  They had lived with us for about a year and a half before we adopted, so our day to day didn't change much, but the finality of things has been glorious.  I have never included pictures of the boys faces or names on this blog.  And even if it's late in coming, I would like to introduce our boys.

We had a great big celebration party after the adoption, which was such a sweet time of celebration.  Since we had a captive audience, we made speeches.  Here's what I said:

"I get to talk about our sons! After we adopted the boys, I realized that unintentionally I had not used the word “son” very often, but now is it such a special name to use. I'll start with Moses. Moses is a loving, funny, and smart boy. He gives lots of affection, likes to quote movies, is a great singer, loves school, will do just about anything to get a laugh and shows concern for others. He loves to read, play outside, and eat at restaurants. Moses is eager to be a helper at all times and is proud of himself when he accomplishes something new. He also loves his brother well.

One of the neat things about this process was the ability to know our kids before we chose names for them. We were able to choose names that speak to some of the things that we pray for them and hope they will grow into. We chose the middle name Cohen for Moses because it means brave. Joshua 1:7-9 says “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this book of instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Moses the brave. Moses Cohen Cave

And now for Aaron. Aaron is an independent, energetic, and sweet boy. He is a fast learner, loves music, always wants to be outside, can't play with enough cars, and enjoys swimming. If you are sad, he wants to make you happy. He loves books, anything with wheels, and is happiest with a stick or rock in his hand. Aaron wants to do everything big brother does and has one particular laugh that only Moses can get out of him.

We chose the middle name Callum for Aaron because it means gentle. James 3:17-18 says “But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.” Aaron the gentle. Aaron Callum Cave"

The following photos were taken on adoption day by my very talented sister-in-law,  Check her stuff out here.

Moses Cohen

Aaron Callum

And now for the new.  At the six month post-adoption mark, we had to decide if we would continue to foster or not.  We prayed and sought the Lord, and the answer is yes!  So, I'm in nesting mode again, and we believe we will be available to accept a new placement by the end of this year.  Maybe a little sooner.  

Glad you were curious enough to read.  (Especially after such a long time!)

Holiday Happenings

Happy MLK Day!  And Happy New Year!  And Merry Christmas!  And Happy Thanksgiving!  Oh, and Happy Halloween, too!  Somewhere along the way in the last year and a half blogging has moved progressively lower down my list of priorities.  But every now and then I get a hankering to write a bit.  Today is one of those days.

For those wondering about our pending adoption (which was scheduled for November), it's still pending.  We were all set to adopt our sweet boys on November 22nd in celebration of National Adoption Day, but some more legal stuff came up and put a stop to that.  We currently have no idea when we might be able to finalize the adoption, but we are hopeful that with the beginning of the new year, the folks working on the case will find a renewed sense of devotion to closing out this case.  At least, that's what we are praying for.  We would love you to join us in these prayers!

The weekend of MLK Day was perfect weather!  We did a little painting, tore out our old sink and put in a new vanity, and had a lovely day at the zoo.  If the boys were telling you about the zoo, they would say, "With Matt! With Matt!  We took Matt to the zoo!"  I also enjoyed teaching the boys about Dr. King.  (Martin Luther King, Junior is quite a mouthful when you are little.)  We talked about how he used his words with respect and people listened to him.  We talk a lot about using our words instead of using our hits these days, so I was thrilled to tell the boys Dr. King's story.

For the new year holiday, Lolli and Pop (my parents) came to stay with us for a few days.  We got to go to the museum with them, exchange Christmas gifts, and even tried to hold them hostage here with the help of some icy roads.  

On Christmas Day we ran away for family vacation!  This has been our tradition since The Hubs and I got married.  We stayed in a cabin, went hiking, cooked hot dogs over the campfire, and all sorts of fun things.  I wasn't even mad when it rained 75% of the time we were there, because friends, by the end of December I was all for sitting around and not doing anything.

Christmas Eve was spent with Tim's family.  The day consisted of Oma and Opa playing at our house (you don't get a break when you're a grandparent in this casa), a Christmas Eve service at church, a delicious dinner from Josh and Janet, and lots of presents.  We might have gotten The Best Christmas Present Ever- a year long pass to the zoo!  Oh, and we sent out our annual digital Christmas card. (Included here, in case you missed it.)

Thanksgiving was pretty low key.  My parents came here because Tim's new job bases their schedule off the stock market.  And did you know, it doesn't close much?  Another low key factor was me choosing to buy dinner instead of cook it all myself.  Some might call me a cheat, but I'm ok with that.

For Halloween, the boys were ninjas.  I'm talking the cutest ninjas ever.  They ran around yelling, "HI-YA!" for several days.  And The Hubs collected his Daddy Tax from their candy baskets so he enjoyed himself, too.

Does that catch us up?  Probably not, but at least it's a start.  We hope you had a great Fall and holiday season and would love to spend some time with you this year.  Blogs are nice, but time spent together is better.  :)

Glad you were curious enough to read.  

Summertime

I realized the other day that if I didn't blog soon, our boys would be adopted before I got around to it. That's right... ADOPTED!!  I'll fill in a few details about that later, but mostly wanted to give a few glimpses into our days now.

Overall, things have been good for us.  They boys are growing and learning and just generally being cute.  Until the times they're not.  But that's not news to anyone who's ever parented (heck, just been around) two and three year olds.  They have finished school and now we're in full summer mode.  I'm not going to lie, I was scared.  So I made a crazy weekly schedule for us to follow... for my sanity more than anyone else's.  I've got to have some structure.  A plan.  My children added the word "syllable" to their vocabulary, and I did a happy dance around the kitchen.  And then summer really got busy and all my well laid plans flew out the window.  I haven't given up, I've just backed off a bit... for my sanity.

The boys are doing gymnastics once a week, which is hilarious.  Big Brother's entire take away from each class is dependent on the trampoline:  "You did such a good job!  Was that fun?"  "I did NOT jump on the trampoline."  Little Brother's class is a mommy and me style class that I love.  It's fun to watch them learn and grow and develop skills.  But I repeat, it's hilarious.

I know if we could show you pictures, our boys would just make you melt.  Since we're not quite there yet, I'll just have to talk about them a little more so you can paint your own pictures.  We borrowed a book from the library called Ninja! a couple of weeks ago.  One of the boys' favorite lines from the book is, "I am a ninja!"  I had put the book on the dining table thinking that little hands would not get into them unless I was supervising (you know, these being borrowed books and all), until Little Brother wandered into the living room with the Ninja! book.  I said, "Oh, no.  Did you climb on the table and get the book?"  His response?  "I am ninja!!"

During the World Cup I was cheering for Germany, and while we watched the final the boys were cheering with me.  Still to this day, Big Brother will say, "I'm Germany!" when playing any type of sport.  He also will randomly yell at the top of his lungs, "GO GERMANY!"  Usually in a public place like the grocery store.  In other sports news, we took the boys to their first baseball game.  I cannot express how much it thrills me that my boys are into this.

We got a package in the mail the other day so I asked the boys what they thought might be inside.  Big Brother thought it was a "new teethbrushing," and Little Brother thought it was a "motorcycle."  I don't know what goes on in their heads, but it is a normal thing for me to be surprised by what they say.

And in other news, not related to the kids, my garden is growing.  This is a miracle.  I have never grown anything in my life.  And I busted the window out of our car.  Apparently I got a little too rambunctious with the weed eater.  Mercedes was singing in my head for at least 24 hours.  The Hubs and I also celebrated our third anniversary.  We went to this place that had several high ropes courses up in the trees.  Probably not your typical anniversary celebration, but perfect for us Curious Caves.  Oh, and I donated my pony tail and now have awesome hair.

My bad.

Love birds

And finally, our adoption update.  The last time I wrote about our case, we were waiting for May 12th.  It came and went uneventfully, thanks to the lack of urgency in our particular court.  We had to wait for paperwork that should have come in February but actually got to us in July.  Once those papers came through, we were able to start the process for adopting the boys.  It's more paperwork and more waiting, but it looks like we might actually be finished and finalized in a month or two.  I'm a little hesitant to put that timeline in writing, though, because we have learned not to expect a quick turn around on anything.  We are so excited to adopt for so many reasons!  We will have more freedom in decisions we make for our boys, we will get to give them our name, AND we can have a regular ol' babysitter stay with them while we go on a date like normal people.  ;)

This is what happens when your three year old takes your picture on date night.

He got a decent one, too, though.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

On Birthdays, Attachment, and Poop

On Birthdays

Our boys both had birthdays in March!  Big Brother was first and turned three years old.  He can dress and undress himself, and he washes himself and his hair in the bathtub now.  He loves to eat.  We're talking if you have food and he doesn't, he goes into full baby bird mode- head up, mouth open, big brown eyes batting long eyelashes worthy of envy.  He loves to play with cars and trucks, ride his bike, and read books.  Go, Diego, Go is his favorite show to watch and he loves music.  I'm pretty sure he is destined for the percussion section with the way he is constantly drumming on anything that stays still long enough.

Little Brother came next and turned two years old.  He is gaining independence and has the attitude to prove it.  He wants to climb on his own, eat on his own, and bike on his own, even if the results are not pretty.  (Let's be honest, he walks his tricycle instead of riding it.)  If we're not quick enough getting the food in front of him once he's at the table, he lets us know all about it.  He has two great joys- cars and outside.  When you combine the two, he is happy as a lark.  He's not super interested in TV, but would rather look at a book.  I'm not offended.  He's got the best dance moves I've ever seen and loves to use them often.

We got to have a joint party with all of our my friends and their kids.  It. was. the. best.

Lined up by age.  Missing the baby who was napping, and one other
still in a tummy.  How do we have so many kids?!

The Brothers checking out their new train set along with their twin friends.
And their other twin friends in the background.  Oh yeah.  That's why there's
so many... they all came two by two!

On Attachment

People generally say that they would not be able to foster because they could never let a child leave their home once they had arrived.  This is definitely a risky business which could certainly end in heartbreak.  But, let me say this with all the grace I can muster: attachment is not an immediate reaction for child or parent.  Notice I did not specify foster or biological families.  With that being said, there have been some sweet moments of attachment lately!

Big Brother had his very first school performance.  His class got one song, and essentially they were just turned loose up on the stage with some ribbons while some music played.  Before it began, Big Brother was sitting on the steps of the stage with his class waiting for everyone to arrive.  He kept looking to make sure we were still there and waving at us.  When he moved up on the stage, he got a little disoriented and couldn't find us.  The music was playing, his friends were dancing, but all he was doing was saying, "Mama!" as he searched the room for us.  When he finally spotted us, I cannot even explain the eruption of joyful dancing that burst out of that child.  And I cried.  And laughed.  Tears of joy for this precious boy who is capturing more and more of my heart.

Later that same night we were out past our usual 7pm and Little Brother let me hold and snuggle him for about half an hour.  Trust me, this is a rare thing for one as independent as he.  My Mama heart was so full!

On Poop

We have officially potty trained, people!  Well, one child at least.  The decreased amount of diapers in this house is glorious.  Remember that time Big Brother had a third birthday?  Yeah.  That's when he got his very own big boy potty and big boy underwear, because using the potty was going to be the most exciting thing he had ever done in his tiny little life.  {Pause: I think I hear The Hubs cleaning up a nap time accident as I type.  Oops.}  Potty at home came easier than potty away from home, so when he had an accident free day, he got to call Lolli and tell her he went poop at school.

Naturally, the next time he pooped at school, he felt like he needed to call Lolli and tell her.  And also Pop and Uncle Goober.  Lolli and Pop both answered their phones.  Uncle Goober did not.  Here's the message that was left right after Big Brother's aforementioned success on the stage at school: "Uncle Boober, I poop on the steps!"

For Free

In February, we were in court to learn how the boys' case was going to end.  Their parents' rights were terminated and the case is now in a 90 day waiting period.  It was heart-wrenching to witness the breaking of a family.  I cried all the way home from court, knowing that I should be happy we were one step closer to adoption, but needing to grieve this great loss that had just occurred.  I know it will be a long time before our boys will be able to understand what happened that day, but when they do we will grieve again.  And again.  And probably some more.  May 12th is the end of our 90 days, after which we should officially become an adoptive placement!  Don't know much on a timeline from there, but we should be a forever family sooner than we ever could have imagined.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

What A Man

A few days ago I was spending some time with one of my sweet friends and telling her how wonderful The Hubs has been in all of this new parenting stuff.  Her question to me was, "Have you told him that?"  I had told him, but I think he deserves some bragging in a more public arena.

My man has been with me 100% every step of this journey.  He has gracefully entered fatherhood by doing things like shouting and hollering when a diaper is particularly smelly, carrying a child at arms length in order to decide what to do with him right after he's pinched the tar out of Dada's inner thigh, and being the first to jump at the offer of a minivan.  He works hard all day in order to "Bacon home," as Big Brother puts it, and still hits the ground running when he gets home, where he tackles the dishes while being tackled by toddlers.  He gives the boys their baths at night, reads books with them, makes them laugh at the dinner table, and has epic dance parties with them.  He has instituted the "two boys" maneuver that is now a staple in our house, and also probably the cause of his recent back injury.  Oops.

While his praises as a father could go on, it's his unrelenting husbanding (yes, I just made that a verb) that blows me away.  We've had a lot to deal with.  And part of what Tim has had to deal with has been  The Ugly.  I cannot imagine how he could have done this better.  He has listened and waited and not tried to fix me.  He has made me laugh, been quiet with me, sent me out of the house, and been my best friend.  He hasn't pushed me to figure out my junk, but has walked beside me and loved me when I haven't felt very lovable.  My words don't do him justice... we're talking husband of the year, here!  I think I'll keep him.

The other day when I picked Big Brother up from school his teacher told me he'd been saying, "Daddy love Mama!" That speaks volumes on so many levels.

Confession

I drive a minivan... and I like it.  There.  I said it.

Before children I fully intended to fight the inevitable minivan much harder than I actually did.  (I say inevitable because I've always known I'm too cheap to own a fancy SUV with a third row.)  I thought, "Surely I can make it to 30 before giving in.  Who wants to drive a minivan in their 20s?" Pride much?

But can I just say- it. is. awesome.

In case you don't know, I am tall.  I hated having to bend myself in half to get the boys in and out of the car.  And I practically had to crawl out of it with my ridiculously long legs after riding in it.  Also, the third row doubles as a changing table.  And I can fit my groceries in the back, even with the stroller, rather than having to pile them in the passenger seat because there was not a square inch of room left in the trunk when our double stroller was in it.  Plus, when we went on vacay we just popped the back row out of that bad boy and loaded it up.  The Hubs even said, "It feels like we're cheating," because there wasn't stuff in our laps.

Did I mention this is my Mema's 1999 minivan with a tape deck and fluffy seatbelt cover?  Don't worry, I've never claimed to be hip or trendy.

So there.  I drive a minivan, and yes, I like it.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

Breaking the Silence

I think it's about time for an update.  Not that I can say all that much about the boys or their case, but I am ready for the freedom to start writing again about our silly little adventures and crazy little life.  I'm not really sure where to start or how to put this, but I guess I've been quiet for so long because I was afraid of being fake.

See, I knew that if I told cute stories about our kiddos, people would read them and be entertained, but I would be presenting only a very small part of our story.  What I have to say, what's been festering in me for the last few months, is not earth shattering.  Neither will it be surprising to many people.  But I need to be honest before I can be entertaining, or funny, or witty, or any other thing that I might aspire to be.  

So here it is- parenting is hard.  I don't just mean the what-do-we-feed-them, who-do-we-trust-them-to, they-don't-want-to-nap-today, their-shoes-are-on-the-wrong-feet stuff.  All those things do add up to a lot, but what I really mean is that becoming a parent is hard.  Becoming a parent exposes the good, the bad, and the ugly in a person.  And I've found out that I have a lot of ugly.  

We knew that we didn't sign up for a cake walk when we decided to foster and become parents, but what I didn't expect was my reaction to being a parent.  How do I deal with all this ugly?  But as I've talked to other women, both foster and biological parents, I've learned that I'm not alone.  Unfortunately, we just don't always talk about the hard parts.  My hope in sharing is that whether you are a current or future parent, we would be able to have real conversations about ourselves.

An important lesson in all this is that I have barely scratched the surface of the unconditional love that the Father has for us.  As I experience the all to easily recognizable sin nature of a one and two year old, I know that beneath my exterior of "acting correctly" and "following rules" I can still kick and scream and throw a fit when I don't get my way.  I must look like such a child to my Heavenly Father as I try to hide my sin from Him and the world.  "How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that He should give his only Son, to make a wretch His treasure." (Townend)

But enough (probably too much) about me, and on to the boys.  They had a wonderful Christmas with a visit from Oma and Opa, a family vacation, and a visit from Lolli and Pop.  We have new bikes, which we like to walk instead of ride, and a toy kitchen that is capable of concocting whatever the imagination can desire, and 20 million new cars (no. lie.).  Oh, and The Hubs has discovered the art of home videos.  

February is a big month for us.  The boys will have a placement hearing.  We will go, may or may not be involved, and at the end will know one way or the other whether the boys are staying as part of our family or not.  At least that is what we have been told.  Basically, the judge will review the case that has unfolded over the last year and make a decision.  The day after the hearing the boys will have been with us for six months.  

We hope everyone had wonderful holidays and wish you many blessings in the year to come.  Please let us hear from you if we haven't in a while!

Oh, little town of Bethlehem

Thanks for the kitchen, Oma!

We love vacation!

Little Brother is dangerously close to the mullet line.

Thanks for the gingerbread house, Lolli... and the candy we got to sneak!

Glad you were curious enough to read.  

A Day in The Life

Somewhere in the last week or two we seem to have shifted into feeling a little settled.  I can't really pinpoint when it happened, or what is different, but the boys are doing really well and I seem to be getting the hang of our new routine.  So I thought today I would regale you with the tale of our morning.  Which, of course, requires some backstory, so here we go.

On Saturday, Little Brother fell with his face on a toy.  As the toy was being introduced to his face it busted his bottom lip and cut his upper gum.  Fun times were had by all over the next few hours as we spent part of our Saturday at the ER.  We were given a phone number and told to call the dentist on Monday to schedule a follow up appointment.  Which I did.

On Monday, I scheduled a dentist appointment for Little Brother at 8am on Wednesday.  "Great," I thought.  "We can do it early and still get him to Mother's Day Out reasonably close to 9am."  I was told to call insurance before we arrived to get this new dentist's name on our account.  Which I did not do.

Thus began my morning.  At approximately 7:24am I made my first call to the insurance company when I realized I hadn't followed instructions.  The card definitely says 24hrs/day, so you can imagine my surprise when I said all the right words to the computer and pushed all the right numbers to navigate my call to the right person only to hear a recorded message tell me I had not called during office hours.  I still had 36 minutes before they could help me.  I also had 36 minutes until I needed to check in at the dentist with a confirmation number from insurance and my boys might have still been in their jammers.  Great.

So now I'm the lady in the waiting room with the huge double stroller (because it's just easier when they are contained) who doesn't have a confirmation number yet and isn't answering the gentleman at the front desk when he calls my son's name because I'm on the phone with insurance.  Yeah, that's me. Oh, and then there's barely any service in the office and my phone is about to die so I'm wandering the room for pockets of service while trying to push the right numbers to navigate my call and then asking the nice lady to repeat my confirmation number because I only heard the first three numbers and the last  two.  Ok, got it.

After that, things went well with the dentist.  They have all these cool vintage video games and toys, so the boys were totally happy, until Little Brother needed an x-ray.  I had to sit with him in the chair, hold him down and let them get a picture.  Then he had to get in the big chair to let the dentist check out his gum.  Thankfully, we got good reports all around, he was just mad because we held him down.  I would be too.

Now it's time to leave.  Both boys are screaming as I put them in the stroller because they have to leave the toy cars behind.  We LOVE cars.  But the dentist gave them each a balloon shaped like a sword.  They made it from the office to the outside of the car.  As I was putting bags in the car I heard the first pop.  Little Brother decided to chew his sword and all that was left was the tiny curve of the handle.  The next thing I know, he's grabbed Big Brother's balloon and Big Brother is screaming.  Then came the second pop.  Little Brother bites again!  There was no refrigerator to hide behind and I wanted to laugh so bad, but I held it together for Big Brother.

Little Brother goes into the car.  Big Brother goes into the car clinging on to the tiny handle left of his balloon.  And my shirt is wet.  Which means Big Brother's pants are wet.  So, out comes Big Brother, stripped down to t-shirt and socks with diaper and pants on the ground beside.  On goes a new diaper and (thankfully) the shorts that were in his backpack.  Back goes Big Brother into the car, along with the wet pants and diaper in the floorboard, because parking lots don't have trash cans and why would I have anything to store a wet diaper in?  Oh, wait.  I'm the mom.  Oops.

We made it to school and found a trash can.  Big Brother dropped off the cookies he made for his teachers.  And I'm still wearing the pee shirt.  Oops again.

Never a dull moment.  I so wish I could show you their sweet faces and beautiful smiles.  I know they would brighten your day, just like they do for all the strangers we meet at the grocery store.  They always tell everyone hi and I can literally see people's countenance change because of the kindness of our kiddos.  It's a great reminder to me that we have lots of joy to share with the world.

Invitation to date night at my favorite coffee shop

New "packpacks" from Lolli and Pop!

My boys at the balloon festival

Big Brother loves to cook

Little Brother thinks he's funny

Taking Daddy's shoes for a spin

Glad you were curious enough to read.

Life's a Little Different

What adventures we have been having!  Our boys have been here for over a month and life is completely different than before they came.  I'm guessing no one is surprised by that!

Parenting is hard work.  Sometimes it even feels like an uphill battle, but overall it has been good.  The Hubs and I have been learning a lot and laughing a lot... and making lots of mistakes along the way as well.  There's so much going on, in fact, that I'm not quite sure what to write about.  So here's a few of the ways life is different for us now:

~ I find myself hiding behind the refrigerator to laugh at things I shouldn't laugh at.

~ We can't carpool anymore.  Well, maybe that's the glass-half-empty view.  Maybe I should say we always carpool now.

~ We recently spent a Saturday evening crawling on our hands and knees down the hallway looking for poop.  All I know is The Hubs stepped in it and I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard.  Big Brother spent the rest of the night stopping occasionally to check the bottom of his foot to make sure it was clean.

~ We watch TV and movies with captions now.  Our house is too small to turn the volume up once the boys have gone to bed.

~ Our days revolve around naptime and bedtime.

~ Tim is now a proud Amazon Mom.

~ I have a crumpled up bag of Teddy Grahams in my purse.

~ We have learned to experience a new kind of freedom at church.  It's called child care.  We already knew about the freedom Jesus gives us from our sins and our past, but this is pretty awesome, too.

~ Whoever doesn't have the kids has to gets to drive the Danger Ranger.

~ We are learning the art of disguising vegetables.  The boys are picky, we are tricky.  Like having "snow covered green beans" (green beans in mashed potatoes... which aren't even disguised that well, but whatever, it worked).  Or homemade pizza (with pureed veggies for sauce).  And don't forget the ground up broccoli in the scrambled eggs.  Any vegetable eaten = parenting win!

Yep.  When your life stops revolving around you and your spouse and very rapidly starts revolving around two toddlers, everything changes.  This stuff is just the tip of the ice berg.  I mean, I was basically doing whatever I wanted for an entire year.  And now my attention is in constant demand.  Things are very different, but they're good.

Pretty sure Little Brother is a yoga baby.

Big Brother at the museum with Tia Janet and Opa.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

PS- I really am on enough of a brain overload to not know what to write about.  If you are curious about us, the boys, our family, etc., please leave a comment with a question and I'll do a Q&A next time.  :)

Family of Four

Where to begin?!  I guess I should first say that we have multiplied and are now a family of four!  On August 11th, we had two little boys come to stay with us, and we are two weeks into our new normal.  

Because this is a foster situation we won't be sharing too many specific details about our sweet ones, but we did want to let everyone know we're all alive and kickin'.

A few things we can share- Big Brother is 2 and 1/2 years old with one of the best giggles you have ever heard.  Little Brother is 1 and 1/2 years old with a rival giggle of his own.  They are sweet, happy boys and they definitely keep us on our toes.  They love cars and books and being outside.  And as you can imagine, quite age appropriately, they can have a few fits here and there.

They arrived on a Sunday afternoon, construction on their bathroom started Monday morning, and by Wednesday The Hubs was in bed with a stomach bug, followed by me on Thursday.  We were so afraid the boys would get it so I followed everyone around with Lysol for several days.  They never got it, but did decide to share a good ole head cold with me.  Awesome.

Because of said construction, we were quarantined to the kitchen for the better part of the first week and a half.  They played, ate, and napped in there with no trouble.  And I was beyond thankful to learn that they can sleep through loud power tools during nap time.

The Brothers share a bedroom and we hear them talking with one another at night over the monitor for a while before they fall asleep.  It's pretty darn cute!  They also love going to church and playing in the nursery, which is a really good thing since we are there so much.

Big Brother loves to eat pizza and Little Brother loves to eat just about anything you put in front of him.    We have been blessed beyond measure by friends who have brought us meals and done grocery shopping for us while we were sick and figuring out how to do life with two toddlers.  Seriously, we could not have made it these last two weeks without our amazing, supportive friends.

This weekend, we had our first grandparent visit!  Lolli and Pop (my parents) came Friday and Saturday.  They are pretty smitten with the boys and Big Brother has not stopped asking for them yet.  We loved that they were here to lend some helping hands... we even got to do the yard work that had been completely neglected since our little guys came.  Next weekend Oma and Opa (Tim's parents) will get their turn.

Prayers are still very much appreciated as we all continue to learn about each other and how to live together.  Parents are tired, boys will be boys, and everyone has gone through a lot of change in a short amount of time.  Often, this job feels too big for me, but I gratefully remember that I serve a God who is Love, Peace, Unchanging, Provider, Strength, Victor, All-Knowing, Creator, Wise, Faithful, Merciful, Gracious....

Five minutes after arrival.

The normal dinner crime scene.

My view these days.  Oh how I wish I could show you their faces!

Glad you were curious enough to read.

Momma Musings

Confession:  I don't know if I always spell "momma" the same way.  In fact, I'm pretty sure in some of my earlier writings it has appeared as "mama."  I don't know which is right or which is wrong, but I see words in my head when I think about them and this particular word appears in two different ways.  Is that weird?  Probably.  I think I mostly see names spelled out in my head, but sometimes other words, too.  I'm not sure yet if I am going to be a momma or a mama.  I'll let you know if I ever decide.

In exactly two weeks from today, our names will be added to the open placement list for people who are currently receiving children from the system.  That's a big deal!  At different times we are nervous, excited, or don't feel like it's really happening.  Occasionally all those things at once.

The kids' room is just about ready.  There is one screw left to be inserted and I don't have sheets on the beds yet because the colors I chose for the room are not "baby" colors.  I would like cerulean blue sheets, but those do not exist apparently.  We also bought a car seat this weekend.  Parents, I salute you as you navigate the millions of choices that you are supposed to expertly make for your child's wellbeing.  I literally couldn't sleep the night we bought it because I was so stressed out.  Oh, and we are just about to start a remodel of our bathroom.  Hope the kids don't need to bathe.  (I'm kidding... not about the remodel, just about the bathing part... but The Hubs might have mentioned only needing a five-gallon bucket at one point.)

Up until yesterday these things consumed the majority of my thoughts where our future children were concerned.  But the Lord has been speaking to me much more frequently of late, for which I am very grateful.  I don't mean the burning bush kind of speaking, I just mean whispering in The Spirit as I turn my thoughts to Him.  The Lord just kind of has me in a place of longing for more of Him, especially as we get closer to growing our family and, on the side, are staging a mutiny against excess.

Yesterday I was overcome by the thought of not knowing where our kiddos might be right now.  We can't keep them safe, or make sure they aren't hungry.  I don't have a baby in my belly for safe keeping until he's ready to make his debut.  And I cried.  A lot.  This is scary and hard.

I'm thankful for encouraging friends like Jenn, who sent me this beautiful blog post that is worth the read.  We aren't heroes, we're simply being obedient.  Trying to look more like Jesus than a fat and happy (and blind) American.  Sorry if that's harsh.  Thankful for friends like Ashley who recently shared with me what the Lord has taught her about facing injustice.  Thankful for the numerous prayers that have been offered on our behalf.

I'm also thankful that I'm learning some lessons now, before the kids get here.  Like learning that this is going to be hard and my heart will break many times, but in that breaking He still holds me together.  Remembering that I can trust the Creator with myself and my kids.  Like learning again (for the gazillionth time, unfortunately) that comparison is the thief of joy.  Sometimes I really can be the only one in the room to get that baby to eat and take a nap, not for want of experienced and excellent mothers close at hand.  Learning, with the aforementioned car seat, that we will be responsible for lots of decisions we don't feel prepared to make.  And remembering that we are going to mess up.  Any bets on how long we have a kid before that happens?  My money's on 5.2 seconds.

So, let's muse on a few lighter topics.  Since, as stated, the beds are yet to be sheeted, I don't have full pictures of the kids' room, but I'll include a little peek today.  A couple of weeks ago we were the very grateful recipients of THE BEST baseball tickets I've ever had in my life.  It occurred to me as I was there, and fully convinced that I can now die happy, that very soon we will either need a babysitter or more tickets for such outings.  Then there was that time our agency forgot to make the small note that we shouldn't be on the placement list until August 12th, and I got a phone call to see if we would take a four day old baby from the hospital.  We said no.  Come on, we had to!  We also promptly got all dressed up and had a date night at Half Price to purchase our very own copy of What To Expect The First Year.  Because we have no clue.  Finally, I keep picking out songs I can't wait to sing to our kiddos!  I've never been a huge James Taylor fan, but he won me over after Brooke remade the little beaut below (and I saw him singing it with a head full of long locks).

You can't tell me that's not a good blue.

Daniel 10

I believe the comment was, "They're life-size!"

Date night :)

First Taste

Today we got our first taste of what it's like to be called by our agency with some news.  I got a phone call today, and we are officially licensed with the state to be foster parents!

We honestly weren't expecting that.  All we knew was that we were waiting to hear something, and that we had done everything on our end, but we didn't realize the next phone call we got from our agency would be to tell us we are ready.  So, in light of the fact that this just keeps getting more and more real, I thought I would do an FAQ post today.

We don't know all the answers, but we have gotten some fairly frequent questions that I do feel equipped to answer.  Feel free to ask more question or for elaboration.

What do you mean, licensed?  The children that will be staying in our home are wards of the state.  Therefore, we must be licensed with the state in order to even be considered for placement.

I thought you had an agency... what does the state have to do with it?  We do have an agency!  Our agency, along with several others, basically contracts with the state to help them place children in good homes.  Sadly, CPS is understaffed and overworked, so going through an agency is the quickest way to get connected to kiddos.  Plus, our agency will advocate for us.... something that wouldn't necessarily happen if we went directly through CPS.

What does this agency do?  Our agency is where we did all our training and they are helping us stay on top of all the paperwork and requirements from the state.  They will search out kids that fit what we are able to accommodate in our home and will be with us every step of the way.  We will have a case worker from our agency who will be assigned to us for the duration of us being foster parents.  That's different from the separate case worker that will be assigned to each child who goes through the system.  The agency also helps us keep our training current and connects us to support groups in our area.

Do you get to pick an age or type of kid you want?  Yes!  We want human kids!  (Sorry, just gotta throw in some sarcasm occasionally.)  Our age range is birth-5, any race, either gender.

Will you know about them before they live with you?  Probably not.  We are licensed to received emergency placements which means the kids have literally just been removed from their home, and that can happen any time of day, any day of the week.  We will most likely know an approximate age and hopefully gender before they come, but that's really not guaranteed.  Sometimes info gets lost or mistyped in the shuffle.

So how do you prepare for kids that fall in that range?  Great question!  We have a pack and play set up in the room, as well as a guest bed for bigger kids.  We also have a crib and toddler bed in the garage that we can set up when we get a better idea of who might be staying the night.  We have one package of each size of diapers, a changing table, a rocker, a monitor, toothbrushes in various sizes, as well as toothpaste (did you know they make training toothpaste?  Me neither until three days ago), washcloths, soap/shampoo, and a few outfits in various sizes courtesy of some lovely garage sales.  And we have a rear-facing car seat for little ones, as well as a booster seat for big ones.  When we get closer to our opening date we will also have snacks on hand!

When is your opening date?  As of today, when I got the phone call, we set a date.  We will go onto the placement list on August 12.  Why then?  Because that is the date of The Hubs latest deadline at work and he will be working like mad until then.  We decided that especially for our first placement we really want him to have some flexibility with his work schedule so he can come home to meet our little ones and spend time with them and their new momma.  He's gonna be such a good daddy!

How long will they stay with you?  Also a great question, and one that will be different in every case. There are lots of variables.  When kids are placed in foster care, their biological parents (bio's from here on out) will be able to present a list of relatives and close friends who could be willing to take the children.  Remember, the goal of foster care is reunification.  So CPS will check those people out and if all is well, the kids could be back with family within probably a month.  If that doesn't happen right away, there is a court hearing where the parents are given orders for how to make some changes in order to get their kids back.  They have up to a year, or even 18 months to work these services.  At any point during that process, a judge can decide the parents are fit to have the kids returned to them, or a judge can terminate parental rights, at which time we would change from a foster placement to an adoptive placement.  Then they will stay with us forever!

Do you want to adopt?  Yes, we do.  Adoption is actually what lead us to fostering in the first place.  Long story, better told in person.  If a child becomes available for adoption while they are living with us, we will do everything in our power to adopt them.  We know some people would see this as an opportunity to move a kid with "issues" out of our house, but we believe that not adopting that child will cause much more damage.  Think about it-  "my bio's didn't want me and now these other people who have lived with me for a year don't want me either.  I must be unlovable and no one will ever want me."  Yeah, not the message we want to send to ANY kid.

Will you keep foster after you adopt?  This is a question we ask as well.  Who knows?!  That will all depend on the circumstances and where we are at the time.  Maybe we won't have any more room in our current house, maybe we will be tired, maybe (dare I say it) we will want to try to have a baby grow inside of me.  We will ask the Lord what He wants us to do and proceed from there.

Don't you get paid to be a foster parent?  We will receive reimbursements, but that's not exactly like getting a paycheck, is it?  The state gives a certain amount per child, but as we have been told our whole lives and are very soon to find out for ourselves, kids are expensive.  We won't be making any money!

Why do you want to do this again?  We want to do this because it needs to be done.  We want to do this because not many others want to.  We want to do this because God put it on our hearts and we want to be obedient.  We want to do this because we don't want to be camels*.  You know, the kind that can't fit through needle eyes?  We don't want to be fooled into thinking that because we are a one income family with a small house and dumb phones and decade old cars that we aren't still incredibly well off and have the ability to give a lot more than we do.  We want to do this because we are loved beyond measure and want to share that love with anyone and everyone.

Are you still going to have any fun once you have kids, or will you just be sticks in the mud?  Okay, okay.  I'm the only one asking that question.  I certainly hope the latter will not be true of us, but we are definitely in for some big changes.  I guess the biggest place I wonder about this is in our ministries with the college students and Beloved women.  We have every intention of continuing to serve in those areas, but we also realize that our kids will come before others now.  This might be one of the hardest adjustments for me.  Kind of like when I first got married and had to start thinking about what was best for my husband instead of just doing whatever I wanted.  I'm confident everything will work out just like it needs to, though, seeing as how our amazing Father has brought us to this point.  We will just keep loving people to the best of our ability, in and out of our home.  :)

Can we know the kids?  Most definitely!  We would love to share our family with you.  There are some things that we won't do, though.  Even though I will be dying to show you how adorable and precious they are, there won't be any pictures available to you.  We won't talk about the bio's with you, especially not in front of the kids.  And we will always, always claim them as our own, especially in front of the kids.  So please, still come over for dinner, call, text, and hang out with us.  You just might have to fill out a background check to stay at our house.  No big deal.

What's next?  Forgive me if some of this has already been covered.  We will get to meet our case worker in the next couple of weeks which I'm really glad about.  We are still working our way through a couple of books that our agency tasked us to read, and I need to find something to put dirty diapers in.
And basically, we just wait until August 12th.  At that point, we will be put on the placement list and, in the words I heard over the phone today, "start sleeping with your phone by the bed because things can move quickly."

What else?  I'm sure I left something out.  We've been thinking about it for so long now that it just seems normal.  Then again, we are a little curious, aren't we?

Glad you were curious enough to read.

* video link courtesy of The Hubs

Sweet Blessings

If I am this bad about blogging without kids, let me just go head and call this one- I'm going to be terrible about blogging once we have kids!  I won't overload you with too many foster details all in one post, but wanted to start getting some of our recent happenings in writing before I get too far behind.

The short story is that we are finished with our homestudy, paperwork, inspections, and classes, and are working on the reading list while gathering supplies.  We had told our agency that July 15th was the earliest date we would be available to be put on the placement list, but that date doesn't really mean anything.  They are still processing on their end, and now The Hubs has a work deadline in early August that we are going to try to finish before going on the list.  So, we did a lot of work in a short amount of time and now we wait.

Remember that amazing group of friends who came and helped us get the house ready for kids?  Well, that same group of wives in our Bible Fellowship threw me a foster mommy shower!  It was the best thing ever!  They were so thoughtful in the preparations and our time together meant more than they will ever know.  They gave us toys, books, and gift cards since we don't know any specifics about the kiddos yet.  I also got the chance to explain some of what fostering will look like and answer questions.  And... I cried.  I'm not even prego!  Then there was a sweet time of prayer for us and the precious little ones that will be coming our way.

We are so thankful for such supportive friends who are ready to be called to action!

Wonderful hostesses and friends!

You can't tell me that's not impressive.
But I can tell you it was delicious!

So many little details that made it extra special.

Are you kidding me? So cute.

Cards with Scripture for our prayer time.
I told you it was well thought out.

Perfect gifts from my hostesses.
Check out this great Bible.

Fantastic start to our collection.

Can't wait to play with these.  :)

I'm sure Tim is eager to put this to use.  Ha!

Gift cards are awesome!

Thanks again to all our amazing friends for walking this road with us.

Glad you were curious enough to read.