Confession

I drive a minivan... and I like it.  There.  I said it.

Before children I fully intended to fight the inevitable minivan much harder than I actually did.  (I say inevitable because I've always known I'm too cheap to own a fancy SUV with a third row.)  I thought, "Surely I can make it to 30 before giving in.  Who wants to drive a minivan in their 20s?" Pride much?

But can I just say- it. is. awesome.

In case you don't know, I am tall.  I hated having to bend myself in half to get the boys in and out of the car.  And I practically had to crawl out of it with my ridiculously long legs after riding in it.  Also, the third row doubles as a changing table.  And I can fit my groceries in the back, even with the stroller, rather than having to pile them in the passenger seat because there was not a square inch of room left in the trunk when our double stroller was in it.  Plus, when we went on vacay we just popped the back row out of that bad boy and loaded it up.  The Hubs even said, "It feels like we're cheating," because there wasn't stuff in our laps.

Did I mention this is my Mema's 1999 minivan with a tape deck and fluffy seatbelt cover?  Don't worry, I've never claimed to be hip or trendy.

So there.  I drive a minivan, and yes, I like it.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

Breaking the Silence

I think it's about time for an update.  Not that I can say all that much about the boys or their case, but I am ready for the freedom to start writing again about our silly little adventures and crazy little life.  I'm not really sure where to start or how to put this, but I guess I've been quiet for so long because I was afraid of being fake.

See, I knew that if I told cute stories about our kiddos, people would read them and be entertained, but I would be presenting only a very small part of our story.  What I have to say, what's been festering in me for the last few months, is not earth shattering.  Neither will it be surprising to many people.  But I need to be honest before I can be entertaining, or funny, or witty, or any other thing that I might aspire to be.  

So here it is- parenting is hard.  I don't just mean the what-do-we-feed-them, who-do-we-trust-them-to, they-don't-want-to-nap-today, their-shoes-are-on-the-wrong-feet stuff.  All those things do add up to a lot, but what I really mean is that becoming a parent is hard.  Becoming a parent exposes the good, the bad, and the ugly in a person.  And I've found out that I have a lot of ugly.  

We knew that we didn't sign up for a cake walk when we decided to foster and become parents, but what I didn't expect was my reaction to being a parent.  How do I deal with all this ugly?  But as I've talked to other women, both foster and biological parents, I've learned that I'm not alone.  Unfortunately, we just don't always talk about the hard parts.  My hope in sharing is that whether you are a current or future parent, we would be able to have real conversations about ourselves.

An important lesson in all this is that I have barely scratched the surface of the unconditional love that the Father has for us.  As I experience the all to easily recognizable sin nature of a one and two year old, I know that beneath my exterior of "acting correctly" and "following rules" I can still kick and scream and throw a fit when I don't get my way.  I must look like such a child to my Heavenly Father as I try to hide my sin from Him and the world.  "How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that He should give his only Son, to make a wretch His treasure." (Townend)

But enough (probably too much) about me, and on to the boys.  They had a wonderful Christmas with a visit from Oma and Opa, a family vacation, and a visit from Lolli and Pop.  We have new bikes, which we like to walk instead of ride, and a toy kitchen that is capable of concocting whatever the imagination can desire, and 20 million new cars (no. lie.).  Oh, and The Hubs has discovered the art of home videos.  

February is a big month for us.  The boys will have a placement hearing.  We will go, may or may not be involved, and at the end will know one way or the other whether the boys are staying as part of our family or not.  At least that is what we have been told.  Basically, the judge will review the case that has unfolded over the last year and make a decision.  The day after the hearing the boys will have been with us for six months.  

We hope everyone had wonderful holidays and wish you many blessings in the year to come.  Please let us hear from you if we haven't in a while!

Oh, little town of Bethlehem

Thanks for the kitchen, Oma!

We love vacation!

Little Brother is dangerously close to the mullet line.

Thanks for the gingerbread house, Lolli... and the candy we got to sneak!

Glad you were curious enough to read.  

A Day in The Life

Somewhere in the last week or two we seem to have shifted into feeling a little settled.  I can't really pinpoint when it happened, or what is different, but the boys are doing really well and I seem to be getting the hang of our new routine.  So I thought today I would regale you with the tale of our morning.  Which, of course, requires some backstory, so here we go.

On Saturday, Little Brother fell with his face on a toy.  As the toy was being introduced to his face it busted his bottom lip and cut his upper gum.  Fun times were had by all over the next few hours as we spent part of our Saturday at the ER.  We were given a phone number and told to call the dentist on Monday to schedule a follow up appointment.  Which I did.

On Monday, I scheduled a dentist appointment for Little Brother at 8am on Wednesday.  "Great," I thought.  "We can do it early and still get him to Mother's Day Out reasonably close to 9am."  I was told to call insurance before we arrived to get this new dentist's name on our account.  Which I did not do.

Thus began my morning.  At approximately 7:24am I made my first call to the insurance company when I realized I hadn't followed instructions.  The card definitely says 24hrs/day, so you can imagine my surprise when I said all the right words to the computer and pushed all the right numbers to navigate my call to the right person only to hear a recorded message tell me I had not called during office hours.  I still had 36 minutes before they could help me.  I also had 36 minutes until I needed to check in at the dentist with a confirmation number from insurance and my boys might have still been in their jammers.  Great.

So now I'm the lady in the waiting room with the huge double stroller (because it's just easier when they are contained) who doesn't have a confirmation number yet and isn't answering the gentleman at the front desk when he calls my son's name because I'm on the phone with insurance.  Yeah, that's me. Oh, and then there's barely any service in the office and my phone is about to die so I'm wandering the room for pockets of service while trying to push the right numbers to navigate my call and then asking the nice lady to repeat my confirmation number because I only heard the first three numbers and the last  two.  Ok, got it.

After that, things went well with the dentist.  They have all these cool vintage video games and toys, so the boys were totally happy, until Little Brother needed an x-ray.  I had to sit with him in the chair, hold him down and let them get a picture.  Then he had to get in the big chair to let the dentist check out his gum.  Thankfully, we got good reports all around, he was just mad because we held him down.  I would be too.

Now it's time to leave.  Both boys are screaming as I put them in the stroller because they have to leave the toy cars behind.  We LOVE cars.  But the dentist gave them each a balloon shaped like a sword.  They made it from the office to the outside of the car.  As I was putting bags in the car I heard the first pop.  Little Brother decided to chew his sword and all that was left was the tiny curve of the handle.  The next thing I know, he's grabbed Big Brother's balloon and Big Brother is screaming.  Then came the second pop.  Little Brother bites again!  There was no refrigerator to hide behind and I wanted to laugh so bad, but I held it together for Big Brother.

Little Brother goes into the car.  Big Brother goes into the car clinging on to the tiny handle left of his balloon.  And my shirt is wet.  Which means Big Brother's pants are wet.  So, out comes Big Brother, stripped down to t-shirt and socks with diaper and pants on the ground beside.  On goes a new diaper and (thankfully) the shorts that were in his backpack.  Back goes Big Brother into the car, along with the wet pants and diaper in the floorboard, because parking lots don't have trash cans and why would I have anything to store a wet diaper in?  Oh, wait.  I'm the mom.  Oops.

We made it to school and found a trash can.  Big Brother dropped off the cookies he made for his teachers.  And I'm still wearing the pee shirt.  Oops again.

Never a dull moment.  I so wish I could show you their sweet faces and beautiful smiles.  I know they would brighten your day, just like they do for all the strangers we meet at the grocery store.  They always tell everyone hi and I can literally see people's countenance change because of the kindness of our kiddos.  It's a great reminder to me that we have lots of joy to share with the world.

Invitation to date night at my favorite coffee shop

New "packpacks" from Lolli and Pop!

My boys at the balloon festival

Big Brother loves to cook

Little Brother thinks he's funny

Taking Daddy's shoes for a spin

Glad you were curious enough to read.

Life's a Little Different

What adventures we have been having!  Our boys have been here for over a month and life is completely different than before they came.  I'm guessing no one is surprised by that!

Parenting is hard work.  Sometimes it even feels like an uphill battle, but overall it has been good.  The Hubs and I have been learning a lot and laughing a lot... and making lots of mistakes along the way as well.  There's so much going on, in fact, that I'm not quite sure what to write about.  So here's a few of the ways life is different for us now:

~ I find myself hiding behind the refrigerator to laugh at things I shouldn't laugh at.

~ We can't carpool anymore.  Well, maybe that's the glass-half-empty view.  Maybe I should say we always carpool now.

~ We recently spent a Saturday evening crawling on our hands and knees down the hallway looking for poop.  All I know is The Hubs stepped in it and I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard.  Big Brother spent the rest of the night stopping occasionally to check the bottom of his foot to make sure it was clean.

~ We watch TV and movies with captions now.  Our house is too small to turn the volume up once the boys have gone to bed.

~ Our days revolve around naptime and bedtime.

~ Tim is now a proud Amazon Mom.

~ I have a crumpled up bag of Teddy Grahams in my purse.

~ We have learned to experience a new kind of freedom at church.  It's called child care.  We already knew about the freedom Jesus gives us from our sins and our past, but this is pretty awesome, too.

~ Whoever doesn't have the kids has to gets to drive the Danger Ranger.

~ We are learning the art of disguising vegetables.  The boys are picky, we are tricky.  Like having "snow covered green beans" (green beans in mashed potatoes... which aren't even disguised that well, but whatever, it worked).  Or homemade pizza (with pureed veggies for sauce).  And don't forget the ground up broccoli in the scrambled eggs.  Any vegetable eaten = parenting win!

Yep.  When your life stops revolving around you and your spouse and very rapidly starts revolving around two toddlers, everything changes.  This stuff is just the tip of the ice berg.  I mean, I was basically doing whatever I wanted for an entire year.  And now my attention is in constant demand.  Things are very different, but they're good.

Pretty sure Little Brother is a yoga baby.

Big Brother at the museum with Tia Janet and Opa.

Glad you were curious enough to read.

PS- I really am on enough of a brain overload to not know what to write about.  If you are curious about us, the boys, our family, etc., please leave a comment with a question and I'll do a Q&A next time.  :)

Family of Four

Where to begin?!  I guess I should first say that we have multiplied and are now a family of four!  On August 11th, we had two little boys come to stay with us, and we are two weeks into our new normal.  

Because this is a foster situation we won't be sharing too many specific details about our sweet ones, but we did want to let everyone know we're all alive and kickin'.

A few things we can share- Big Brother is 2 and 1/2 years old with one of the best giggles you have ever heard.  Little Brother is 1 and 1/2 years old with a rival giggle of his own.  They are sweet, happy boys and they definitely keep us on our toes.  They love cars and books and being outside.  And as you can imagine, quite age appropriately, they can have a few fits here and there.

They arrived on a Sunday afternoon, construction on their bathroom started Monday morning, and by Wednesday The Hubs was in bed with a stomach bug, followed by me on Thursday.  We were so afraid the boys would get it so I followed everyone around with Lysol for several days.  They never got it, but did decide to share a good ole head cold with me.  Awesome.

Because of said construction, we were quarantined to the kitchen for the better part of the first week and a half.  They played, ate, and napped in there with no trouble.  And I was beyond thankful to learn that they can sleep through loud power tools during nap time.

The Brothers share a bedroom and we hear them talking with one another at night over the monitor for a while before they fall asleep.  It's pretty darn cute!  They also love going to church and playing in the nursery, which is a really good thing since we are there so much.

Big Brother loves to eat pizza and Little Brother loves to eat just about anything you put in front of him.    We have been blessed beyond measure by friends who have brought us meals and done grocery shopping for us while we were sick and figuring out how to do life with two toddlers.  Seriously, we could not have made it these last two weeks without our amazing, supportive friends.

This weekend, we had our first grandparent visit!  Lolli and Pop (my parents) came Friday and Saturday.  They are pretty smitten with the boys and Big Brother has not stopped asking for them yet.  We loved that they were here to lend some helping hands... we even got to do the yard work that had been completely neglected since our little guys came.  Next weekend Oma and Opa (Tim's parents) will get their turn.

Prayers are still very much appreciated as we all continue to learn about each other and how to live together.  Parents are tired, boys will be boys, and everyone has gone through a lot of change in a short amount of time.  Often, this job feels too big for me, but I gratefully remember that I serve a God who is Love, Peace, Unchanging, Provider, Strength, Victor, All-Knowing, Creator, Wise, Faithful, Merciful, Gracious....

Five minutes after arrival.

The normal dinner crime scene.

My view these days.  Oh how I wish I could show you their faces!

Glad you were curious enough to read.

Momma Musings

Confession:  I don't know if I always spell "momma" the same way.  In fact, I'm pretty sure in some of my earlier writings it has appeared as "mama."  I don't know which is right or which is wrong, but I see words in my head when I think about them and this particular word appears in two different ways.  Is that weird?  Probably.  I think I mostly see names spelled out in my head, but sometimes other words, too.  I'm not sure yet if I am going to be a momma or a mama.  I'll let you know if I ever decide.

In exactly two weeks from today, our names will be added to the open placement list for people who are currently receiving children from the system.  That's a big deal!  At different times we are nervous, excited, or don't feel like it's really happening.  Occasionally all those things at once.

The kids' room is just about ready.  There is one screw left to be inserted and I don't have sheets on the beds yet because the colors I chose for the room are not "baby" colors.  I would like cerulean blue sheets, but those do not exist apparently.  We also bought a car seat this weekend.  Parents, I salute you as you navigate the millions of choices that you are supposed to expertly make for your child's wellbeing.  I literally couldn't sleep the night we bought it because I was so stressed out.  Oh, and we are just about to start a remodel of our bathroom.  Hope the kids don't need to bathe.  (I'm kidding... not about the remodel, just about the bathing part... but The Hubs might have mentioned only needing a five-gallon bucket at one point.)

Up until yesterday these things consumed the majority of my thoughts where our future children were concerned.  But the Lord has been speaking to me much more frequently of late, for which I am very grateful.  I don't mean the burning bush kind of speaking, I just mean whispering in The Spirit as I turn my thoughts to Him.  The Lord just kind of has me in a place of longing for more of Him, especially as we get closer to growing our family and, on the side, are staging a mutiny against excess.

Yesterday I was overcome by the thought of not knowing where our kiddos might be right now.  We can't keep them safe, or make sure they aren't hungry.  I don't have a baby in my belly for safe keeping until he's ready to make his debut.  And I cried.  A lot.  This is scary and hard.

I'm thankful for encouraging friends like Jenn, who sent me this beautiful blog post that is worth the read.  We aren't heroes, we're simply being obedient.  Trying to look more like Jesus than a fat and happy (and blind) American.  Sorry if that's harsh.  Thankful for friends like Ashley who recently shared with me what the Lord has taught her about facing injustice.  Thankful for the numerous prayers that have been offered on our behalf.

I'm also thankful that I'm learning some lessons now, before the kids get here.  Like learning that this is going to be hard and my heart will break many times, but in that breaking He still holds me together.  Remembering that I can trust the Creator with myself and my kids.  Like learning again (for the gazillionth time, unfortunately) that comparison is the thief of joy.  Sometimes I really can be the only one in the room to get that baby to eat and take a nap, not for want of experienced and excellent mothers close at hand.  Learning, with the aforementioned car seat, that we will be responsible for lots of decisions we don't feel prepared to make.  And remembering that we are going to mess up.  Any bets on how long we have a kid before that happens?  My money's on 5.2 seconds.

So, let's muse on a few lighter topics.  Since, as stated, the beds are yet to be sheeted, I don't have full pictures of the kids' room, but I'll include a little peek today.  A couple of weeks ago we were the very grateful recipients of THE BEST baseball tickets I've ever had in my life.  It occurred to me as I was there, and fully convinced that I can now die happy, that very soon we will either need a babysitter or more tickets for such outings.  Then there was that time our agency forgot to make the small note that we shouldn't be on the placement list until August 12th, and I got a phone call to see if we would take a four day old baby from the hospital.  We said no.  Come on, we had to!  We also promptly got all dressed up and had a date night at Half Price to purchase our very own copy of What To Expect The First Year.  Because we have no clue.  Finally, I keep picking out songs I can't wait to sing to our kiddos!  I've never been a huge James Taylor fan, but he won me over after Brooke remade the little beaut below (and I saw him singing it with a head full of long locks).

You can't tell me that's not a good blue.

Daniel 10

I believe the comment was, "They're life-size!"

Date night :)

First Taste

Today we got our first taste of what it's like to be called by our agency with some news.  I got a phone call today, and we are officially licensed with the state to be foster parents!

We honestly weren't expecting that.  All we knew was that we were waiting to hear something, and that we had done everything on our end, but we didn't realize the next phone call we got from our agency would be to tell us we are ready.  So, in light of the fact that this just keeps getting more and more real, I thought I would do an FAQ post today.

We don't know all the answers, but we have gotten some fairly frequent questions that I do feel equipped to answer.  Feel free to ask more question or for elaboration.

What do you mean, licensed?  The children that will be staying in our home are wards of the state.  Therefore, we must be licensed with the state in order to even be considered for placement.

I thought you had an agency... what does the state have to do with it?  We do have an agency!  Our agency, along with several others, basically contracts with the state to help them place children in good homes.  Sadly, CPS is understaffed and overworked, so going through an agency is the quickest way to get connected to kiddos.  Plus, our agency will advocate for us.... something that wouldn't necessarily happen if we went directly through CPS.

What does this agency do?  Our agency is where we did all our training and they are helping us stay on top of all the paperwork and requirements from the state.  They will search out kids that fit what we are able to accommodate in our home and will be with us every step of the way.  We will have a case worker from our agency who will be assigned to us for the duration of us being foster parents.  That's different from the separate case worker that will be assigned to each child who goes through the system.  The agency also helps us keep our training current and connects us to support groups in our area.

Do you get to pick an age or type of kid you want?  Yes!  We want human kids!  (Sorry, just gotta throw in some sarcasm occasionally.)  Our age range is birth-5, any race, either gender.

Will you know about them before they live with you?  Probably not.  We are licensed to received emergency placements which means the kids have literally just been removed from their home, and that can happen any time of day, any day of the week.  We will most likely know an approximate age and hopefully gender before they come, but that's really not guaranteed.  Sometimes info gets lost or mistyped in the shuffle.

So how do you prepare for kids that fall in that range?  Great question!  We have a pack and play set up in the room, as well as a guest bed for bigger kids.  We also have a crib and toddler bed in the garage that we can set up when we get a better idea of who might be staying the night.  We have one package of each size of diapers, a changing table, a rocker, a monitor, toothbrushes in various sizes, as well as toothpaste (did you know they make training toothpaste?  Me neither until three days ago), washcloths, soap/shampoo, and a few outfits in various sizes courtesy of some lovely garage sales.  And we have a rear-facing car seat for little ones, as well as a booster seat for big ones.  When we get closer to our opening date we will also have snacks on hand!

When is your opening date?  As of today, when I got the phone call, we set a date.  We will go onto the placement list on August 12.  Why then?  Because that is the date of The Hubs latest deadline at work and he will be working like mad until then.  We decided that especially for our first placement we really want him to have some flexibility with his work schedule so he can come home to meet our little ones and spend time with them and their new momma.  He's gonna be such a good daddy!

How long will they stay with you?  Also a great question, and one that will be different in every case. There are lots of variables.  When kids are placed in foster care, their biological parents (bio's from here on out) will be able to present a list of relatives and close friends who could be willing to take the children.  Remember, the goal of foster care is reunification.  So CPS will check those people out and if all is well, the kids could be back with family within probably a month.  If that doesn't happen right away, there is a court hearing where the parents are given orders for how to make some changes in order to get their kids back.  They have up to a year, or even 18 months to work these services.  At any point during that process, a judge can decide the parents are fit to have the kids returned to them, or a judge can terminate parental rights, at which time we would change from a foster placement to an adoptive placement.  Then they will stay with us forever!

Do you want to adopt?  Yes, we do.  Adoption is actually what lead us to fostering in the first place.  Long story, better told in person.  If a child becomes available for adoption while they are living with us, we will do everything in our power to adopt them.  We know some people would see this as an opportunity to move a kid with "issues" out of our house, but we believe that not adopting that child will cause much more damage.  Think about it-  "my bio's didn't want me and now these other people who have lived with me for a year don't want me either.  I must be unlovable and no one will ever want me."  Yeah, not the message we want to send to ANY kid.

Will you keep foster after you adopt?  This is a question we ask as well.  Who knows?!  That will all depend on the circumstances and where we are at the time.  Maybe we won't have any more room in our current house, maybe we will be tired, maybe (dare I say it) we will want to try to have a baby grow inside of me.  We will ask the Lord what He wants us to do and proceed from there.

Don't you get paid to be a foster parent?  We will receive reimbursements, but that's not exactly like getting a paycheck, is it?  The state gives a certain amount per child, but as we have been told our whole lives and are very soon to find out for ourselves, kids are expensive.  We won't be making any money!

Why do you want to do this again?  We want to do this because it needs to be done.  We want to do this because not many others want to.  We want to do this because God put it on our hearts and we want to be obedient.  We want to do this because we don't want to be camels*.  You know, the kind that can't fit through needle eyes?  We don't want to be fooled into thinking that because we are a one income family with a small house and dumb phones and decade old cars that we aren't still incredibly well off and have the ability to give a lot more than we do.  We want to do this because we are loved beyond measure and want to share that love with anyone and everyone.

Are you still going to have any fun once you have kids, or will you just be sticks in the mud?  Okay, okay.  I'm the only one asking that question.  I certainly hope the latter will not be true of us, but we are definitely in for some big changes.  I guess the biggest place I wonder about this is in our ministries with the college students and Beloved women.  We have every intention of continuing to serve in those areas, but we also realize that our kids will come before others now.  This might be one of the hardest adjustments for me.  Kind of like when I first got married and had to start thinking about what was best for my husband instead of just doing whatever I wanted.  I'm confident everything will work out just like it needs to, though, seeing as how our amazing Father has brought us to this point.  We will just keep loving people to the best of our ability, in and out of our home.  :)

Can we know the kids?  Most definitely!  We would love to share our family with you.  There are some things that we won't do, though.  Even though I will be dying to show you how adorable and precious they are, there won't be any pictures available to you.  We won't talk about the bio's with you, especially not in front of the kids.  And we will always, always claim them as our own, especially in front of the kids.  So please, still come over for dinner, call, text, and hang out with us.  You just might have to fill out a background check to stay at our house.  No big deal.

What's next?  Forgive me if some of this has already been covered.  We will get to meet our case worker in the next couple of weeks which I'm really glad about.  We are still working our way through a couple of books that our agency tasked us to read, and I need to find something to put dirty diapers in.
And basically, we just wait until August 12th.  At that point, we will be put on the placement list and, in the words I heard over the phone today, "start sleeping with your phone by the bed because things can move quickly."

What else?  I'm sure I left something out.  We've been thinking about it for so long now that it just seems normal.  Then again, we are a little curious, aren't we?

Glad you were curious enough to read.

* video link courtesy of The Hubs